The idea of "radical acceptance" doesn't sound like a pleasant thing, doesn’t it? In many cases, it doesn’t even seem possible. Are we truly supposed to accept unacceptable situations, such as abuse and injustice?

​Strangely enough, the answer is yes—all while keeping in mind that acceptance doesn’t mean toleration of something that should never be tolerated.
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So what is radical acceptance, and how does it help us move through the stages of grief as we navigate healing from a toxic relationship?

The Catholic Church understands the true nature of marriage. The marital union isn’t merely a piece of paper and a few words spoken between two people, followed by a fun party. It’s not a gold band, or a promise to remain faithful—until disagreements pop up or someone more exciting comes along. For Catholics, marriage is a sacred sacrament, an indissoluble union that, according to The Catechism of the Catholic Church, is “a partnership of the whole of life … ordered toward the good of the spouses and the procreation and education of offspring” (CCC 1601). Love is “the fundamental and innate vocation of every human being” (CCC 1604).
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Yet what happens when the indissoluble becomes desecrated, when the sacrament promised at the altar in the presence of God proves to have been a lie? What happens when the early excitement of a loving relationship and future family are replaced with anxiety, confusion, turmoil and even cringing fear? Sacred Scripture describes well how such betrayal feels:

Every day, around the world, millions of individuals are crushed by the trauma of living with a spouse who controls, mistreats or otherwise violates their sacred personhood. The statistics are shocking: one out of every three women has been or currently is a victim of abuse within their own homes.1 Yet even if you’re among those statistics, you might be unaware of the truth of your situation. Instead, you may be full of self-blame and doubt—especially during the times when your spouse is acting kind, charming, even remorseful.
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It’s common for victims to minimize their experience, to believe their partner when he says they merely have “regular” relationship or communication problems. Victims often tell themselves, “It’s really not that bad. Sure, sometimes he calls me stupid or an idiot, but at least he’s never called me anything worse.” Or, if he does make it a habit to hurl even the most brutal insults, a target may try to minimize the situation by thinking, “Well, at least he’s never hit me.” If he is physically violent, “at least he’s never broken a bone.” If he has broken a bone, “At least I’ve never been knocked unconscious.”

And on … and on.

This minimization isn’t a deliberate effort to excuse the behavior of the abuser, but rather an unconscious defense mechanism that attempts to make sense of the nonsensical. To be the partner of an abusive spouse is to live in constant anxiety. Developing coping strategies is a necessary part of living in a toxic environment.

Yet living in that environment doesn’t have to be permanent. Healing begins with awareness, education, support and guidance from the Holy Spirit. These are all things this book will help you develop.

Topics covered in my book include:

• The basics of intimate partner violence: It’s not just physical! This chapter includes a full description of red flags, patterns, toxic attitudes and behaviors. I cover information on the abuse cycle, the characteristics of those who use abuse and coercive control to manipulate relationships, and signs that you may be in an abusive relationship.
  
• ​Covert, passive-aggressive abuse: Why it’s so difficult to detect and why it’s one of the most insidious forms of manipulation.
  
• Verbal attacks and covert physical abuse: Name calling and other emotional attacks, gaslighting and psychological manipulation, and using physical violence against inanimate objects (punching holes in walls, breaking items, etc.) as a means of abusive threat.
  
• ​Isolation in toxic relationships: Why isolation is so damaging, and why abusers strive to isolate their partners in order to gain a greater level of control.
  
• Violating the marriage bed: Sexual abuse and coercion.
  
• Biblical misconceptions: What Ephesians 5:22 and other difficult Bible verses truly mean.
  
• ​To stay or go: Opening yourself to God’s will for your life.

Years ago, when one of my clients was describing the mistreatment she’d endured in her life, I gently yet curiously observed that she’d just narrated her account as if she’d been reading a newspaper article. This took her aback, yet she at once recognized the truth of my words. Matter-of-fact, very practical and without much emotion—that was indeed how she’d told her story.
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She also recognized why: not because the trauma hadn’t impacted her, but because it had been so severe her mind simply hadn’t been able to take it in, and her nervous system had been locked in a nearly perpetual freeze mode. Sure, it was a functional freeze—she’d still managed to keep up with daily chores and life obligations—yet she’d done so in an internally stilted state, unable to feel the compounded trauma because it was simply too much to bear. However, as a consequence she was also unable to feel joy, gratitude, happiness …
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And hope.

How can we avoid this trap of despair? How is healing even possible?

The latest article on my blog is by guest author Laura Ercolino, about the miraculous appearance of Our Lady in Guadalupe, and how the message is still so crucial today. She writes: 

"Our Lady of Guadalupe is known as the Patroness of the Americas and of the Unborn. I believe that she is also asking to be a patroness of women who have been victims of marital abuse and sexual assault. 

Too many women sacrifice themselves—their hearts, bodies, identities, and dignity—because they erroneously believe God asks them to accept abuse, control, and acts of lust and depravity. The desecration of women, who are beautiful temples of the Holy Spirit, by means of pornography, sexual abuse, and domestic violence, is a form of human sacrifice in our age.

Our God, the God Who Our Lady of Guadalupe revealed to the Aztecs 500 years ago, is a God of love and mercy. He sent His only Son, Jesus, to be the One True sacrifice. He does not require wives and mothers to sacrifice themselves to the men who vowed to love, cherish, and protect them.

Addressing abuse in all its forms is crucial, for we were created by love, for love, not to harm one another or to be harmed. It is imperative to bring all forms of abuse to the light, including the hidden wounds within abusers themselves. The healing of hearts, marriages, and families is possible.

Our Lady of Guadalupe serves as a messenger of hope to victims, assuring them that she and Jesus stand with them. Victims of sexual abuse and domestic violence are Mother Mary’s living Roses of Tepeyac. Enfolded in her mantle, they will bloom in unexpected places; redeemed, restored, and transformed into a beautiful bouquet for Christ, their Savior and Bridegroom."

Lately I’ve received a number of emails focusing on a similar topic: anger as a response to trauma, and how to manage the emotion when it gets out of control. I’ve noticed a pattern to the messages I receive--and anger is a topic that comes up often this time of year, as the holidays fast approach.

​I suspect this is because the holidays tend to be very stressful for those in difficult relationships or who are recovering from trauma. Remaining in our “window of tolerance” can be particularly challenging during times of increased stress.

The window of tolerance is a concept originally developed by Dr. Dan Siegel to explain the sense of inner peace and calm within individuals—in other words, a regulated and balanced nervous system. This is the place where the Imago Dei—the true self, made in the image and likeness of God (Gen 1:26-27)—takes the primary role within a person. When we’re operating within our true selves we can successfully cope with our emotions, no matter what those emotions may be. 
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However, for those of us who have suffered from trauma, it can be an immense challenge to remain in our window of tolerance, and we often enter a state of hyper-arousal (fight/flight), or hypo-arousal (freeze).

Have you ever heard those words from your partner? Have you been tempted to doubt yourself and believe them, even if in your deepest heart—perhaps a place you can no longer reach—you know those words aren’t true?
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If you’re in a toxic relationship, rotating around and around on the dreadful abuse cycle, you may have sometimes reached your breaking point where the “fight” part of your reaction system took over. Perhaps you just couldn’t take it any longer. Your body felt like it couldn’t handle another second of mistreatment, and your mind had already become so confused and chaotic it was difficult to be inside your own head. 

Because of the extreme stress you may have shouted back at your partner, called him regrettable names, even slapped or kicked him in an effort to … well, to just make it all stop! Afterward you likely felt shame, guilt and tremendous remorse for your actions, causing you to grovel an apology and wonder: Is he right? Am I the abusive one?

In this article I’ll be focusing on the disorganized attachment style, and how painful this inconsistent dynamic is within the context of relationships.

October is a big month not only for the Church (it's the month of the Holy Rosary, the feast of the Miracle of the Sun, and Respect Life Month) but also for everyone.

Domestic Violence Awareness Month is fast approaching!

To prepare for the month of the Holy Rosary, Respect Life, and Domestic Violence Awareness, I've partnered with Laura Ercolino of Hope's Garden to create a Rosary Campaign to pray for peace in homes and restoration of hearts and families. 

Participation is simple! We've created a digital packet of images you can share on social media, in your local bulletin, as flyers, and more. The ultimate goal is to get as many individuals and parishes as possible to pray a daily Rosary in the month of October for the intention of the healing of hearts, marriages, and families -- whatever form that healing may take.

One of the things I’ve learned after years of working in the field of domestic abuse recovery may seem surprising to many people:

​Although individuals can admit they’re in a difficult relationship, they often don’t realize that what they’re experiencing isn’t ordinary martial challenges, but is intimate partner violence. This is especially true when the abuse is covert and there’s no physical violence present. However, “violence” doesn’t always take place on a physical level—as a matter of fact, aggression that’s sly and hidden tends to be more damaging than the overt, physical forms of violence.

Why can it so difficult to tell the difference between normal marital discord and domestic abuse?
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Every marriage has challenges, and every couple will get into disagreements from time to time—perhaps even frequently. Disagreements, even if they get out of hand, aren’t themselves a sign of abuse.
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The true markers of ordinary challenges versus coercive abuse can be seen in how those differences are handled and resolved, and whether or not mutual self-giving exists in the relationship. Situations of power-over—where one spouse attempts to dominate the other or consistently prove the other wrong—are both red flags. Remember, abuse is a pattern of behavior, not a one-time event.