I’ve written about the nervous system’s response to trauma in previous articles, and I think most of us are familiar with the concept of fight, flight and freeze. In a nutshell—and without getting into the weeds of neuroscience—fight, flight or freeze are all different ways the nervous system may respond to stressful, traumatic, terrifying, or dangerous situations.
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Yet a fourth trauma response has also been identified, one that has received less attention but is far more common than many of us realize.

As my readers know from past articles, I don’t like using the word narcissist. It’s so stereotyped that it has become clichéd in our culture, yet sometimes it truly is the only term that fits.

Someone who has a predominant narcissistic part of themselves is an individual who has allowed that self-focused part to become so blended it’s nearly always at the forefront of their personality. Their true, inmost selves become buried, replaced by an overbearing part. This often results in manipulative, abusive, and controlling behaviors.

Yet how does a person develop a narcissistic part that becomes so blended it takes over the entire self-system? There’s no clear-cut, simple answer to that question, and there are many theories. For example, childhood neglect (not just physical neglect, but emotional as well) can cause a person to develop covert narcissistic traits such reversing the roles and playing the victim, become passive-aggressive, and engaging in sly verbal abuse. Being put on a pedestal—the “Golden Child” of the family—can also cause narcissistic traits to develop, as can being a witness to abuse in the home, neurobiology, attachment issues, and a variety of other complex and intertwining factors.
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Recently I had an interesting experience—I witnessed the potential creation of a future narcissist. I pray something will change in this child’s life so healing and awareness can occur, thereby halting and eventually eliminating the potential narcissistic part, but as it stands now, I’m seriously concerned for this child—and for any of his future relationship partners.

Have you ever wondered if you’re a victim of physical violence within your own home, but you’re not quite sure? Or perhaps you haven’t wondered at all, because the threats have been so hidden that you haven’t recognized them. After all, he’s never hit you …

Even for those enduring physical abuse, the tactics aren’t always obvious. This may seem like a silly thing to say—after all, physical violence is always obvious, isn’t it? There will be an outright attack that results in bruises or scratches, broken bones or finger marks, perhaps even blood. Maybe an ambulance will have to be called, or the police. And there will be physical pain, of course, mingling and swirling with all the emotional pain …

However, there’s more to physical violence than overt attacks on the body. Intimate partner violence can be so much more than that—which is why many people who are in physically abusive relationships don’t even realize it.

Domestic abuse does a number on a person (and that’s putting it mildly). To be so betrayed—again and again—by the person you trust the most, love the most, and had the most faith in, is devastating. Just ask Jesus—He knows what that feels like.

When I emerged from the frozen shock of abuse and began to heal, I felt like I’d spent the last decade sleeping my life away, cut off from the rest of the world, secluded in a void of my own making. I’d been hiding in the clefts of the rock so no one could hurt me any longer (Song of Songs 2:14).

Betrayal trauma does that to a person, especially if the betrayal is a protracted one, spanning years or even decades. Infidelity, domestic abuse, the confusion of being brainwashed into thinking you’re the cause of every problem … All these issues naturally lead to self-doubt, a depletion of the spirit, and a desire to isolate in order to stay safe.

I’ve always found Sacred Scripture to be of immense comfort as I struggled through my pain and healing. No matter where I’m at in life, Scripture has been my foundation. Even those verses that don’t provide help or consolation, but show the struggles of humanity and how God truly understands, are immeasurably reassuring.
Within the pages of the Bible, no matter where I turn, there I find myself.

Yes! Especially during my lowest times I could completely relate to those verses, and found comfort in the relation. Yet as I began to open up to the possibility of finally healing from my wounds, I also knew — and trusted, and truly believed — that “my heart is ready, O God, my heart is ready” for His saving graces (Psalm 57:7).

Even so, there was one verse in the Bible that made me cringe. One verse that I couldn’t bear to read, because it made me feel sick to my stomach. It was a trigger, and a huge one at that.

In my articles and on my website, I use a variety of terms to describe the crazy, traumatic, and often dehumanizing tactics deployed by an abusive personality against his or her target. Many of my readers are familiar with these terms, since they’re common to nearly all abusive relationships. However, a refresher is always good, and if you’re just becoming aware of what’s going on in your life and determined to educate yourself as much as possible, a list of these terms can be very helpful. 
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However, this list is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg—there are so many more I could mention, but I don’t want the article to run too long. If you have any other terms you’d like to add to the list, please share in the comments.

How do we let go of a traumatic, disappointing, or abusive past? How can we forgive (including self), release, be healed, and move on?

Sadly, there is no magical wand. Christianity doesn’t offer magic, or the easy way out. Releasing the past doesn’t mean ignoring it, or running from it.

Releasing the past means journeying straight through the trauma and the memories in order to reach the other side. And that’s the hard part.

None of us are born to be trained in the ways of suffering. Most often we don’t know how to deal with it, which makes the struggle all the more exhausting. It’s like a marathon; you can’t complete the entire race the first time you try. You have to train for it.

Train for suffering? That doesn’t sound fun.

True. And it’s not fun—but it’s necessary, and can even be enjoyable because of the fragrant fruits to come (Rom. 8:28, Song of Songs 1:3).

The reality is, releasing the past means running straight through it—and that’s tiresome. Most of us haven’t built up enough stamina for the entire journey. At some point we get stuck and when we do, it feels like we’ve fallen into the Molasses Swamp.
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How do we get unstuck? How can we begin to move forward again?

Creating a safety plan is one of the crucial “what if” steps of preparation for individuals who are enduring abuse in their home. Crafting ways to carefully escape, to seek security with loved ones or in a domestic abuse shelter, to have all your necessary valuables (including your birth certificate, Social Security card, passport, etc.) in a safe place, are all important issues to consider when creating a physical safety plan.

​But what about an emotional safety plan? During those times when you’re not in physical danger and don’t want to—or can’t—leave the home, how can you protect yourself emotionally and spiritually?

Creating an emotional safety plan is just as important as a physical safety plan because it’ll help remind you that there is hope and that you do have resources. An emotional safety plan is crucial for self-care and even for developing healthy empowerment and a sense of autonomy.

Healing from the wounds of prolonged trauma is a journey—it takes time, patience, and self-love. It’s often that last piece—self-love and self-care—that trip us up the most.
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There are many things we can do to take care of ourselves and help nurture a developing sense of wellbeing while healing from trauma. For example, creating a self-soothing basket filled with items that bring peace, joy, and calm can be an excellent resource for emotional health. Items to include in the basket can included things such as:

When the topic domestic violence is mentioned, people often visualize black eyes, broken bones and clenched fists. However, manipulation and control over another individual takes many forms. Domestic abuse can violate a person not only physically but emotionally, spiritually, psychologically, sexually and financially.

Bruises, broken bones and smashed faces shout obvious violence, traumatic for the victim and outwardly visible. A broken spirit isn’t as visible, and bruises to the soul are easily buried with a false smile and cover-up stories to hide the truth. Yet in a multitude of studies and interviews, survivors have consistently affirmed that emotional, psychological and verbal abuse are even more traumatic than broken bones. All forms of abuse leave scars and bruises in the soul.
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These destructive actions aren’t isolated events. Everyone makes mistakes, saying and doing things they later come to regret. They soon recognize their slip-ups, make genuine reparation, and don’t repeat the toxic behavior. An abusive relationship, on other hand, is a pattern of attitudes and actions that create a confusing, terrifying, fragile and crazy-making atmosphere within what should be the sacred space of the home. The abuse is repeated, again and again. Even if months go by with no obvious incident, eventually the same pattern reappears—and, as the years go by, the pattern reappears with increasing frequency. Some examples of domestic abuse include:  ​