I appreciate all the messages I’ve received asking if everything is okay, since I haven’t published in over a month. 

I haven’t written for awhile because I’ve been facing a medical challenge that has left me unable to write or work for the time being. Thanks to the graciousness of God, I was able to get into surgery within six weeks of the severe symptoms popping up, and am now a few days post-op. It'll take eight weeks or so to recover from such major surgery, but after that I’ll be back on track and writing once again. 
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In the meantime, and as always, please feel free to contact me. I admit that it’ll take me much longer to respond to emails than usual, but I’ll still be online whenever I’m physically able, and will answer all messages as I receive them. And I'll be writing again as soon as I'm able!

The topic of my last article was betrayal blindness. I discussed how trauma can cause a person to forget abusive episodes, acting as is a psychological defense that prevents an individual from trauma overload.

Abuse minimization is similar to betrayal blindness, but not quite as extreme--and it's also more common. I've spoken with hundreds of domestic abuse victims and survivors, and the stories are all painfully similar. Nearly all of survivors eventually arrive at the realization they’d minimized their situations. In a previous article I mentioned that minimization isn’t a deliberate effort to excuse the behavior of the abuser. Instead, it’s a subconscious attempt to make sense of the nonsensical and to preserve a crucial relationship.

However, minimizing abuse can't be maintained long-term. At some point, a victim has to come to terms with what's happening in order to set up boundaries and begin to heal.

​Forgiveness is also a crucial part of the healing journey, but forgiveness can't take place if the intensity of the abusive relationship isn't fully admitted. In order to forgive, a person needs to know exactly what ​they need to forigve.

PDF on forgiveness from Nicky Verna of Hope's Garden.

The concept of forgetting abusive experiences can seem unrealistic to those who have never had to endure domestic violence. If a situation was traumatic, horrific, or otherwise heartbreaking, wouldn't that mean a person would remember it vividly, rather than forgetting it altogether? Sometimes ... but sometimes not. Betrayal blindness is a  confusing, concept yet it's also a very real phenomena​ in the lives of many domestic abuse survivors.

Betrayal blindness, a phrase coined by psychologist Jennifer Freyd, is not only the unconscious desire to minimize disturbing events, but to completely forget they happened in the first place. This doesn’t mean a person is delusional, has a brain disorder, or is any other way dysfunctional. Rather, betrayal blindness is a result of severe trauma, especially when the harrowing events are ongoing or frequent.

To learn more about betrayal blindness, including my own experience with it, read my article on Substack.

We also discuss the psychological aspects of abusers, and that often-asked question:

Can abusers change?

My answer is yes! 

With a gigantic amount of hard work (from both the abuser and the victim), patience, determination, love and spiritual renewal, someone with an abusive personality can take the Road to Damascus and become a virtuous, loving spouse.

Yes, it takes a great deal of excruciating effort from everyone involved. No, it's not an easy path. But for some couples, it's the path to take.

However, change isn't common. Often abusers will claim to "change," but it's merely part of the "love-bombing" phase of the abuse cycle. There are ways to discern to discern whether or not change is real, all of which take an immense amount of time.

I'm not talking weeks or months of time -- I'm talking years. 

Many, multiple years.

If you have any questions about this topic, feel free to contact me. 

With all that said, click the link below to watch my interview with Angela Erickson.

Recently I had to set boundaries with two people in my life. Setting boundaries can be challenging, especially for someone who was never taught the skill (yes, it's a skill) and who may find self-care difficult. This was the case with me -- yet in both instances, after I set the boundaries, I was also set free.

What was interesting were the reactions I received after establishing my boundaries. The results were the same -- freedom from toxic abuse -- but the reactions from my loved ones were drastically different.

Letting go of the past can be an excruciating process. If you've endured any sort of trauma in your life, you may be able to relate to what I mean. Even positive memories become tainted by the abuse and trauma, creating a swirling confusion of cognitive dissonance within a survivor. How can we move on from so much pain?

There's no easy answer, and everyone's path is unique. However, I can offer you a few of my thoughts and experiences as I've suffered along this path. I hope it maybe of some help.

The month of October is many things: the peak of leaf-peeping season (if you're a New Englander like me), the time of year when all things pumpkin spice flavoured (or scented) appears in every store, the month of scarecrows and holiday anticipation.

But October can also boast one other very important claim -- it's Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

​The facts are shocking -- one out of every three women are being or will be abused within their own homes. This statistic is unyielding across demographics, including religion. What this means for us is that one out of every three women sitting in the pews within our parishes are being victimized within what should be the safety of their own  homes. Obviously men can—and are—also victims, but domestic violence “tends to harm women and children more,” as the USCCB points out. 85% of domestic violence targets are female victims of male partners. This is the reason for the focus on women in this review.

In 1992—updated in 2002—the USCCB issued a crucial document regarding the Catholic Church’s stance on domestic abuse. Yet “When I Call for Help: A Pastoral Response to Domestic Violence Against Women,” hasn’t received the attention it deserves. Unfortunately, it remains unknown by too many clergy and victims alike.
 
I’d like to help change that.
 
Many Catholic women suffering in abusive marriages feel like they have to tolerate the abuse. Their union is a sacrament, and the Church teaches that marriage is indissoluble (CCC 1664-1645). That means they’re stuck, right?
 
Actually, no. Not at all.