So many of my Catholic readers are struggling with the possible end of their relationship and wondering about divorce and annulment. Because I've received so many requests about divorce vs. annulment, I thought I’d let an expert answer some of your questions.

Marriage--as God intended--is about mutual self-giving. It's a waltz between partners, the balancing of strengths and opposites, weaknesses and complementariness. Sure, partners might step on each other's toes during the decades of this loving dance, yet all issues are resolved with authentic apology and open communication.

At least this is how marriage should be.

Yet when self-giving is one-sided—as it is in all abusive relationships—a corruption of God’s intentions takes place. This is a form of evil, a desecration of the gift of self. How can we heal from this trauma? How can we move forward?

A priest from Nigeria, Fr. Henry writes about his own personal experience, which led to being a primary domestic violence advocate within the Church. He now guides clergy, lay ministers, and others to become aware of domestic abuse and how the Catholic Church can help victims protect themselves, and heal.

Competitions are supposed to be fun. They're designed to challenge the stamina, talent and determination of those participating, and they should encourage strong camaraderie and social engagement.

Unfortunately there any situations in which competition gets out of control. It can become a manipulative power play, a one-upmanship, a display of vulgar and unwholesome opposition.

Abusive and narcissistic individuals tend to view all of life as a competition. They always have to be the winner. If they aren't—if they feel they’ve lost, or someone might be better at something than they are—then all hell breaks loose.

And that’s putting it mildly.

Sadly, love is no exception.

“The Catholic Church defines marriage as a continuous act of mutual self-giving,” I point out in the interview. “That's what marriage should be—a beautiful giving of self because you can be vulnerable. In a marriage you have to be vulnerable; if you can't be vulnerable you don't really have a marriage, and certainly self-giving is impossible. Mutual self-giving is giving your strengths to your partner, and your partner giving his strengths to you; likewise you give your weaknesses so you can share in both. In an abusive relationship you can't give your vulnerability because it will be taken advantage of. You can't show your weaknesses because they will get thrown back in your face. The ability to mutually self-give as the Catholic Church defines marriage is impossible.”

Yet there is hope, there is healing, and change is possible. What does change look like? For a victim of abuse, it’s a metamorphosis from victim to survivor, a renewal of self and soul.
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I invite you to listen to my interview with Dr. Cynthia Toolin-Wilson, where we discuss various aspects of domestic abuse and healing.

Nestled deep within my pocket, or sometimes clutched in the palm of my hand, I carry a horse chestnut. It's plain, it's simple, it's ordinary--at least to anyone who might see it. But to me, it’s a sacred object.

It’s easy to feel unloved when struggling through an abusive relationship. Victims are either blatantly told that they aren’t worthy of being loved, or sometimes the attack may come in different words but with the same meaning. Verbal abuse is just another way of being told we’re not cherished by our partner. An individual with covert tendencies will often say things such as “you hate me,” or play the victim in order to guilt their target into submission. 

These words and actions also show a lack of empathy and love.

That’s why—for the sake of our mental health and emotional well-being—a group of understanding, supportive loved ones is so important. There’s a reason the LORD declares in Genesis 2:18, “it's not good that man should be alone.” He created us as social beings, living in a social world. Isolation is a detriment to health and healing.

Most of us suffer from a variety of fears, both big and small. Fear seems to permeate this fallen world, yet what is this fear all about? One thing I’ve come to realize is that fear has, as its source, a single foundation:

A threat to safety.

My sense of safety has been destroyed. The reasons for this would be too long to describe, and they hardly matter. It’s the resulting emotion—fear—that’s the important point.

I have no safety, no place I can truly feel at ease or at home, and this creates a tremendous amount of inner turmoil and anxiety.
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I have no safe place any longer—or do I?

Marriage is sacred—yet so are we.

We're all cherished children of the God the Father. We've all been blessedly and graciously called to an intimate relationship with Jesus, our divine Bridegroom. We're desired and cherished by none other than the Creator Himself. Our bodies are all temples of the Holy Spirit (1 Cor. 6:19).

These are certainties I’ve always known within my mind, yet I wasn’t able to fully understand them within my heart until I began to heal from my struggle with domestic abuse. Because I’d been focused for so many years on my relationship, I hadn’t cleared the space in my soul to allow such divine truths to enter. I’d been trying to survive heartbreak for so long that my mind had become shrouded in sorrow and even despair.