 Pornography is destructive not only to those who abuse it, but to the victims of the sexually addicted person. Marriages, families, and intimate relationships suffer on a variety levels and in many dehumanizing ways. I can't discuss all the evils of pornography in one brief post, so I’ll write about just a few--at least for now. In a follow-up post, I’ll discuss about further myths.
As always, reader feedback is valuable to me. If you have anything to contribute or something you'd like me to see discuss, just let me know. So much of what I write about is based on the incredible emails I receive from my readers, so please keep them coming. I appreciate your questions, comments, and feedback, and believe that building a community together is the best way to heal. And so, onwards and upwards!
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 How do you make sense out of nonsense? Gaslighting, crazy-making, circular talk ... They can all make you feel crazy, and cause you to wonder if everything is your fault. When you realize the fault is abuse, and not you, the deep sense of betrayal and trauma can be overwhelming. However, when you can make sense of your situation, you can then progress toward gaining clarity, clear-sighted vision, and hope for the future.
 After the crisis stage of discovering abuse and betrayal in your relationship, it's natural to feel injustice at what's been done to you. It's how you deal with your feelings that makes the difference between healing and moving forward, versus seething in resentment and, consequently, being stuck in the trauma.
As Auschwitz survivor Viktor Frankl said, "Suffering in and of itself is meaningless; we give our suffering meaning by the way in which we respond to it." How you respond directly corresponds to how you heal. Part 2 in this series on healing from domestic abuse will cover the stage of "Injustice," Part 3 that of "Making sense of the situation."  (canva.com) When you’ve been betrayed by an intimate partner the trauma can overwhelming, enveloping your entire sense of self. Confusion, anxiety, disbelief, shame, sorrow and anger swirl together to create a painful numbness that's nearly impossible to describe. That's because you're in grief. As shock settles in and takes root, a growing awareness of disorientation and confusion clouds the mind. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, in her classic book On Death & Dying and its follow-up, On Grief and Grieving, identify the “five stages of grief” as:
But, believe it or not, these stages ultimately culminate in hope and healing.
20 Warning Signs that You May be in a Toxic Relationship  (Liza Summer, Pexels.com) Despite what many people assume, it can be difficult to tell whether or not you're in an abusive relationship. If there are no bruises and broken bones, how can you know the difference between a merely "difficult" partnership, or an abusive one? There are numerous red flags indicating intimate partner violence (IPV), but the difficult hurdle is that you have to know what abuse looks like before you can detect abuse happening in your life. This is particularly challenging because many abusive personalities employ extremely covert tactics, maneuvers disguised as devotion or caring, but in fact are indications or more toxicity to come. Recognizing the warning signs of abuse is the crucial first step toward healing and regaining your sense of self. When you realize you’re in an abusive relationship, you can being to take steps toward educating yourself, finding solid support, and regaining your sense of self. Here's a brief quiz to help you discern whether or not your relationship may be toxic. Rate each statement with “often,” “occasionally,” “rarely,” or “never.”
 (Frederick Daley, February 1941, age 24) The German brutality of World War II is incomprehensible. What was done in the name of creating a global, "ideal" race and worldview is horrific, yet despite our abilities to feel repulsion at such extreme evil, what we feel is nothing compared to those who lived it—including the soldiers on the front lines of liberation. This topic of extreme abuse is one that hits home to me on a very personal level. My grandfather, Staff Sgt. Frederick Daley, was one of the brave soldiers who liberated the concentration camp located in the Bavarian village of Dachau, Germany. I've visited Dachau several times, and my experiences led to an eye-opening understanding that attests to the grace of God and the power of forgiveness, even in the most extreme situations.
Misplaced empathy in an abusive relationship often leads to a spiritual dryness and a deep sense of wandering loss.  (Photo by Helena Lopes on Unsplash) Empathy is seen as a positive virtue, one to be encouraged and nourished. And it is--empathy helps us not only to see another person, but to walk with them, be with them, love and nurture them in a way deeper than mere understanding can bring. Through empathy we can enter into another person's experiences and experience it with them, helping them to move through sorrow or sharing their joy. Even so, empathy can go too far in certain situations. I realize this may sound odd, but hear me out ...   (Photo by Dan Burton on Unsplash) One of the most common questions I get as a domestic violence advocate is about physical violence. Is physical violence present in a relationship only when the target is being injured, or can physical violence also extend to violence against inanimate objects? Is punching holes in walls domestic violence? What about throwing things, slamming doors in a rage, or other physically intimidating acts? Do these count as physical abuse? The answer is yes, yes, and yes.   (Photo by Dorothea OLDANI on Unsplash) One of the most common tactics of a narcissistic abuser is that of playing the victim. It's a highly-effective tactic that evokes the empathetic emotions of potential targets -- and it works. Sadly, most victims of intimate partner violence are loving, trusting, generous with themselves, and are high on the empath scale. These are all traits to be admired, traits that should be emulated far and wide. Yet, sadly, they can also be exploited. When a target first meets an individual who seems honest and trustworthy, it’s comforting and feels natural to believe stories of his victimhood. Even though an abuser’s tales are typically riddled with stories that amount to slandering those who supposedly mistreated him, his resentful negativity and harsh tone tends to be lost on the enraptured target, who longs to comfort her poor, mistreated new partner. She feels she can be the partner he always dreamed of. After all, they're a match made in heaven! But wait a minute! Step back, and assess.
What's really going on? Is this authentic (it may be), or is it a tactic (it may be)? |
AuthorI'm Jenny duBay, a domestic abuse survivor and now advocate. My degree is in Christian theology with a concentration on spiritual direction, and my vocational emphasis is on helping those who have suffered from domestic abuse to heal and reclaim their true selves. Archives
August 2022
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