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was recently interviewed by Kiki Latimer of The Catholic Bookworm podcast to discuss my book, Don’t Plant Your Seeds Among Thorns: A Catholic’s Guide to Recognizing and Healing from Domestic Abuse (En Route Books and Media, 2024). We talked about many things, including why my book fills a necessary gap in Catholic awareness of such a delicate yet pervasive topic. Many people who are in abusive marriages misunderstand what the Church teaches about domestic violence. They may believe that because they married in the Church, their marriage is indissoluble and therefore they’re “stuck.” Does the Church teach that abuse is just a cross to bear? The quick answer to that concern is a firm NO! I dive more into the topic in my book, and it’s something I discuss with Kiki. Special offer! For a signed copy of my book, Don’t Plant Your Seeds Among Thorns: A Catholic’s Guide to Recognizing and Healing from Domestic Abuse, use coupon code FREEHG to take advantage of a limited-time offer of free shipping. In my last post I discussed the topic of neuroplasticity, so I'd now like to dive further into our brain's amazing ability to heal itself from trauma, and how prayer plays an integral role in this journey.
The nature of repetitive prayer helps us create what I call “grooves of virtue”in our brain, physically restructuring our minds to be directed toward God. The more we pray, the more we desire prayer; and the more we desire prayer, the more Christ-like we become -- and the more we open ourselves to the healing graces of our Divine Physician. “Will I always feel this way?” This is a common question I hear from clients who are suffering from the side-effects of domestic abuse and betrayal trauma. They’re afraid that their current feelings of hyper-vigilance, distrust, anxiety, anger or terror will become a permanent part of themselves, and they wonder how they can possibly heal. It feels as if their entire brain has been altered, shifted and changed in ways they never wanted. There’s truth to that belief—trauma does change the internal structure of the brain. Patrick Carnes, Ph.D, points out that “When people are profoundly frightened, trauma creates a biological alteration of the brain.” Yet God has designed our bodies in such amazing ways. He not only desires us to heal from the trauma of this fallen world, but He longs for it—so much so that He created our bodies as self-healing machines. Neuroplasticity
Previous scientific thought was that after the developmental stages of childhood, the brain was fixed and couldn’t be changed or healed in its structure. Thankfully, continued advances in science have allowed mankind to understand more fully the mystery of God’s amazing creation—our human bodies. We now know that the brain can and does change all throughout our lives—which is both good and bad news. When we experience prolonged and/or intense trauma, the structure of our brain physically alters. Yet so, too, when we actively and consciously engage in healing, we can change the neuropathways of our brain to form healthy, God-willed behaviors, perspectives, and attitudes. Jonathon Fessenden of Missio Dei and I recently had a chat about domestic abuse from a Catholic perspective, based on my book Don’t Plant Your Seeds Among Thorns: A Catholic’s Guide to Recognizing and Healing from Domestic Abuse. There have been countless secular books written on the topic of domestic violence, along with excellent podcasts, videos, articles, and other resources. However, there’s a hole in the field of domestic violence awareness within the Catholic Church. Although domestic abuse can easily be considered a global epidemic, it’s rarely talked about within local parish communities. Many—if not most—priests aren’t trained to deal with a parishioner who may come to them with the confusion and anxiety that result from being abused by a spouse. It’s my mission to help change that. Faith-filled discussions about this topic need to be heard in order to facilitate safety, hope and healing for survivors, so I was thrilled to discuss this important topic with Jonathon. The talk went so well that we decided to record a follow-up in which we discuss Catholic annulments, resources for healing, and more. When clients ask me how they can heal after experiencing prolonged relational trauma, the first thing I often ask is one of the simplest, yet also the most complex:
What sets your soul on fire with enthusiasm? What do you love to do? Often I’m met with blank stares, and I understand—prolonged relational trauma has a tendency of muffling personal needs. When the individual you trusted the most turns out to be not only untrustworthy but unsafe and even toxic, your world disappears. It’s not merely shattered—it feels as if it has completely vanished, because all you thought to be true has turned out to be false. In my article, “When Love Isn’t Love: Bonded by Betrayal,” I promised to expand on the biochemical response to a trauma bond. In that article I stated:
A trauma bond—sometimes called a betrayal bond—is caused when gestures of love, caring, or good-will are intermittently alternated with periods of abuse, exploitation, or betrayal. Each incident of caring, followed by toxic treatment, serves to intensify the bond. This type of relationship feels like love or loyalty despite the fact that our partner is repeatedly hurting us with toxic, unfaithful, or otherwise destructive behaviors. What’s so crucial to understand is that the formation of this type of attachment isn’t merely emotional—it’s biochemical as well. The good news is that any chemical addiction can be freed, liberated and replaced by something merciful, blessed, true, and worthy. As my readers know, I hate to use the word “narcissistic” in my articles, because it’s such an over-used and misunderstood term. We can’t diagnose anyone as being an actual narcissist (which indicates they have Narcissistic Personality Disorder), even if we do recognize their toxic ego-focused traits that cause relational harm to others.
Sometimes, however, the word can’t be avoided, especially when we’re talking about previously-established abuse terms. That’s why, in this article, I’ll be discussing two traits common to those who abuse others: narcissistic injury and narcissistic rage. Most individuals who engage in abusive tactics in order to manipulate and control their relationships do so because of an unconscious learned behavioral pattern caused by a narcissistic injury developed during childhood. A narcissistic injury is created by an early wound to the ego—such as bullying, perceived or real emotional neglect, abandonment, childhood abuse or other trauma. These wounds create what the child feels is a threat to their sense of self and inherent self-worth. It causes them to feel vulnerable—a feeling that creates shame in childhood, and a fighting need for avoidance in adulthood. This article is a condensed and adapted version of information I included in chapter three of my book, Don’t Plant Your Seeds Among Thorns: A Catholic’s Guide to Recognizing and Healing from Domestic Abuse, published by En Route Books and Media. Available on Amazon or through my website. Special Offer! For 15% off the cover price a signed copy of my book, Don’t Plant Your Seeds Among Thorns: A Catholic’s Guide to Recognizing and Healing from Domestic Abuse, use coupon code CREATE15. After reading “Under My Thumb: Coercive Control and the Sensitive Victim,” a subscriber sent me an email to tell me that her ex-husband used to blare that same song as often as he could, laughing in a tauntingly cruel way. He’d encourage his children to sing along as if he was playing a carefree, fun game with them. They often did exactly what their dad wanted, not realizing how much they were wounding their mother—after all, they didn’t know he was purposely tormenting her, and they simply wanted his approval.
They didn’t realize he was purposely tormenting her even if they did feel, deep down, that there was something cruel buried inside their father’s “jokes.” A trauma bond—sometimes called a betrayal bond—is caused when gestures of love, caring, or good-will are intermittently alternated with periods of abuse, exploitation, or betrayal. Each incident of caring, followed by toxic treatment, serves to intensify the bond.
Betrayal in any form is a violation of trust and a mistreatment of an individual’s vulnerability. What we thought to be true is suddenly revealed as a lie, and we feel as if we might be going crazy. When it seems like even our intuition has betrayed us—we thought this person was so wonderful, honest, holy, caring—how can we ever trust ourselves again, let alone others? |
AuthorJenny duBay, Trauma-Informed Christian life coach specializing in healing from betrayal trauma and domestic abuse. |