Control, intimidation, threats both subtle and obvious, name-calling, violence (not only violence directed at a person, but violence in the form of throwing/smashing things, slamming doors in violent rage, punching holes in walls, and other abuse to inanimate objects), power-over, blame, minimizing, gaslighting, crazy-making ... These, and more, are all signs of domestic abuse.
"No one in a marriage is obliged to maintain common living with an abusing spouse."
(U. S. Catholic Bishops, "Marriage: Love and Life in the Divine Plan")
"No one in a marriage is obliged to maintain common living with an abusing spouse."
(U. S. Catholic Bishops, "Marriage: Love and Life in the Divine Plan")
Can you be abused if you've never been physically battered?
Sadly, the answer is a resounding YES.
Non-physical intimate partner violence is even more common than outright battering, yet both are destructive to the body, the mind, the spirit and the soul of the target-victim.
Most cases of domestic abuse -- especially those that fly under the radar because no authorities are contacted -- aren't physical. The battering isn't on the outside. These battle wounds remain on the inside. Hidden, secluded, secretive.
On the inside. And even more painful because it feels like everything has to be kept hidden, even from yourself.
Sadly, the answer is a resounding YES.
Non-physical intimate partner violence is even more common than outright battering, yet both are destructive to the body, the mind, the spirit and the soul of the target-victim.
Most cases of domestic abuse -- especially those that fly under the radar because no authorities are contacted -- aren't physical. The battering isn't on the outside. These battle wounds remain on the inside. Hidden, secluded, secretive.
On the inside. And even more painful because it feels like everything has to be kept hidden, even from yourself.
(©Keariel Peasley Photography, used by permission)
Domestic vioelnce can also be financial, sexual, spiritual, and emotional (including verbal and psychological assaults). Those who report having been abused both physically as well as emotionally have stated that the emotional abuse is far more insidious, far more dangerous, far more harmful, and far more tragic than physical abuse -- as if physical violence isn't horrific enough. Any type of abuse leaves scars and bruises all over the soul, crushing -- but not destroying -- the spirit.
Some examples of domestic abuse and signs of an abusive relationship include:
The consistent, continual pattern of domestic abuse is dizzying and confusing, especially since an abuser shows a "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" personality -- he can be charming and sweet, and during those times the victim will feel overwhelming relief and gratitude, thereby creating a trauma bond to her abuser. Then he becomes "Mr. Hyde" again, exploding in abusive rage or covert criticism, employing manipulative tactics that are often more dangerous in their subtly.
Some examples of domestic abuse and signs of an abusive relationship include:
- name-calling and insults
- extreme jealousy
- threats to kill or harm one's partner or children
- destruction of property (including smashing items such as dishes, punching holes in walls, breaking furniture, and any other violent behavior)
- force vaccination, sterilization or abortion
- sexual coercion
- blaming another for his actions
- crazy-making and gaslighting
- physical violence
- constant criticism
- undermining and belittling
- ordering and overbearing control
- isolation
- denial
- abusive anger
- constant excuses to minimize behavior
- a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde personality
The consistent, continual pattern of domestic abuse is dizzying and confusing, especially since an abuser shows a "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" personality -- he can be charming and sweet, and during those times the victim will feel overwhelming relief and gratitude, thereby creating a trauma bond to her abuser. Then he becomes "Mr. Hyde" again, exploding in abusive rage or covert criticism, employing manipulative tactics that are often more dangerous in their subtly.
The Cycle of Personality-Disordered Abuse, authored by Tanya Gaum, M.ED., M.A. and Barbara Herring, M.A., LMFT, clearly and accurately describes the dizzying cycle that perpetuates continuously, mainly in Type III abusive relationships (view enlarged version).
Another very helpful version of the abuse cycle can be found here.
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The "The Power and Control Wheel" was developed in the 1980s by Domestic Abuse Intervention Programs in Duluth MN, and clearly describes the abusive cycle. You can download and print a wheel for your own use.
"While there is no one type, men who abuse share some common characteristics. They tend to be extremely jealous, possessive, and easily angered. A man may fly into a rage ... Many try to isolate their partners by limiting their contact with family and friends. "Typically, abusive men deny that the abuse is happening, or they minimize it. They often blame their abusive behavior on someone or something other than themselves. " (USCCB, "When I Call for Help") |
Prayer in times of suffering:
O Lord my God, be not far from me. O my God, hasten to help me, for varied thoughts and great fears have risen up within me, afflicting my soul. How shall I escape them unharmed? How shall I dispel them?
“I will go before you,” says the Lord, “and will humble the great ones of earth. I will open the doors of the prison, and will reveal to you hidden secrets.”
Do as You say, Lord, and let all evil thoughts fly from Your face. This is my hope and my only comfort—to fly to You in all tribulation, to confide in You, and to call on You from the depths of my heart and to await patiently for Your consolation.
(Thomas Kempis, The Imitation of Christ)
O Lord my God, be not far from me. O my God, hasten to help me, for varied thoughts and great fears have risen up within me, afflicting my soul. How shall I escape them unharmed? How shall I dispel them?
“I will go before you,” says the Lord, “and will humble the great ones of earth. I will open the doors of the prison, and will reveal to you hidden secrets.”
Do as You say, Lord, and let all evil thoughts fly from Your face. This is my hope and my only comfort—to fly to You in all tribulation, to confide in You, and to call on You from the depths of my heart and to await patiently for Your consolation.
(Thomas Kempis, The Imitation of Christ)
