Yes, change can happen. Many professionals claim it's very rare, while others attest that with intrinsic motivation, change can and indeed does occur.
There are some individuals who are ready to fully admit they're abusive, and who want to authentically change -- not for external reasons, but for themselves and the health of their own souls. But what does it feel like to admit such a thing not only to your spouse, children, and anyone else you may have hurt (including ex-spouses), but to yourself? How can you actually change? What steps do you need to take?
There are some individuals who are ready to fully admit they're abusive, and who want to authentically change -- not for external reasons, but for themselves and the health of their own souls. But what does it feel like to admit such a thing not only to your spouse, children, and anyone else you may have hurt (including ex-spouses), but to yourself? How can you actually change? What steps do you need to take?
Some perpetrators (particularly those of a covert nature who engage in emotional, verbal and psychological abuse) don't even realize that they're being abusive to their spouse until ... wham! Something hits them. And by "something," I mean "Something." As in, God. A revelation from the Holy Spirit. A determination to be on the Road to Damascus (conversion), not on the Yellow Brick Road (delusion). I write more about this in my upcoming book, Don't Plant Your Seeds Among Thorns: The Catholic's Guide to Domestic Abuse.
Yet there's so much I can't include in a book, and so many resources available. For those men who have the integrity and utmost strength to admit their weaknesses and chronic abuse; for those brave souls who are willing to look into themselves and find a God who loves them perpetually and utterly, and who wants them to heal; for those who have finally, miraculously realized that they can perhaps love their family more than their narcissistic selves; for those handful of men who truly want to change, and who truly admit that abuse is their problem (without any excuses or blame on others), I have a few resources that may be of help.
Yet there's so much I can't include in a book, and so many resources available. For those men who have the integrity and utmost strength to admit their weaknesses and chronic abuse; for those brave souls who are willing to look into themselves and find a God who loves them perpetually and utterly, and who wants them to heal; for those who have finally, miraculously realized that they can perhaps love their family more than their narcissistic selves; for those handful of men who truly want to change, and who truly admit that abuse is their problem (without any excuses or blame on others), I have a few resources that may be of help.
First -- and critically -- find a solid and reputable Partner Abuse Intervention Program in your local area, and sign up immediately. Individual therapy is rarely of help to the abusive personality, since most therapists sadly aren't experienced in this area and are woefully under-educated in helping abusers change. A Partner Abuse Intervention Program (or Domestic Violence Intervention Program) is of utmost importance because the professionals specialize in the attitudes, beliefs, and issues surrounding DV, and being in a group setting helps keep attendees accountable. You can't do this alone. Reach out. The USCCB offers solid guidelines to men who abuse and are determined to change:
- Admit that the abuse is your problem, not your partner's, and have the manly courage to seek help. Begin to believe that you can change your behavior if you choose to do so.
- Be willing to reach out for help. Talk to someone you trust who can help you evaluate the situation. Contact Catholic Charities or other church or community agencies for the name of a program for abusers.
- Keep in mind that the Church is available to help you. Part of the mission Jesus entrusted to us is to offer healing when it is needed. Contact your parish.
- Find alternative ways to act when you become frustrated or angry. Talk to other men who have overcome abusive behavior. Find out what they did and how they did it.
Conversion of St. Paul, Caravaggio
There's no official patron saint for abusive men who seek authentic and lasting change, so I'm electing St. Paul the Apostle as our unofficial patron saint. How did Saul become St. Paul? He was an abuser, a persecutor, and even complicit in murder. He hated the followers of Christ and sought to purge them from the world. Yet after his Road to Damascus conversion experience, he used his God-given free-will to authentically remove the abusive patterns in his life so as to completely reform. He gave up his control, his power and his position, all for Christ. Change is possible.
Prayer to St. Paul:
St. Paul, I, who have been afflicted by domestic violence, seek your intercession. On the Road to Damascus you changed the entire course of your life. You went from being an abusive man who viciously persecuted the followers of Christ to being one of His most faithful, committed evangelists and followers. Because of your inspiration I know that all people, through the grace of God and the gift of free-will, hold the capacity for true, authentic, loving and empowering change. Through the cleansing Blood of Christ and His most merciful heart, I pray for your help and guidance as I travel my own Road to Damascus in order to become a whole, healed, and authentically loving man, father, husband, and child of God. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.
Prayer to St. Paul:
St. Paul, I, who have been afflicted by domestic violence, seek your intercession. On the Road to Damascus you changed the entire course of your life. You went from being an abusive man who viciously persecuted the followers of Christ to being one of His most faithful, committed evangelists and followers. Because of your inspiration I know that all people, through the grace of God and the gift of free-will, hold the capacity for true, authentic, loving and empowering change. Through the cleansing Blood of Christ and His most merciful heart, I pray for your help and guidance as I travel my own Road to Damascus in order to become a whole, healed, and authentically loving man, father, husband, and child of God. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.
Here are some resources to help you get started while you simultaneously reach out for professional help:
Dr. Christauria Welland, founder of Pax in Familia, a non-profit dedicated to "helping Catholic families troubled by relationship violence," is the author of the highly-recommended book How Can We Help to End Violence in Catholic Families? One section of her book includes information to help the abuser realize, understand, and admit his behaviors and attitudes. This enables him, through prayer and the guidance of the Holy Spirit, to seek help and self-understanding, which can then lead him to a place of authentic love and mutual self-giving within his marriage. You can download the book here; pages 103-117 directly address ways in which positive and marriage-affirming changes can be made, but reading the entire book is highly recommended in order to gain greater clarity and to understand the issue better.
In 2022, Dr. Welland will also be completing a special therapy program for Catholic & Christian men who struggle to change their abusive attitudes, words and behaviors. More details will be announced here in the coming months, so keep checking back or contact me if you want to be keep up-to-date.
In 2022, Dr. Welland will also be completing a special therapy program for Catholic & Christian men who struggle to change their abusive attitudes, words and behaviors. More details will be announced here in the coming months, so keep checking back or contact me if you want to be keep up-to-date.
Further Resources:
Lundy Bancroft:
Guide for Men Who are Serious About Changing, Pt 1
Guide for Men Who are Serious About Changing, Pt. 2
Checklist for Assessing Change in Men Who Abuse Women
Austin James:
Emotional Abuse, Silent Killer of Marriage YouTube Channel (Austin was an emotional/psychological abuser who lost his marriage due to his abuse, but now fully admits his abusive behaviors and helps other men overcome theirs).
Guide for Men Who are Serious About Changing, Pt 1
Guide for Men Who are Serious About Changing, Pt. 2
Checklist for Assessing Change in Men Who Abuse Women
Austin James:
Emotional Abuse, Silent Killer of Marriage YouTube Channel (Austin was an emotional/psychological abuser who lost his marriage due to his abuse, but now fully admits his abusive behaviors and helps other men overcome theirs).
Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect;
but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me His own.
(Philippians 3:12)
but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me His own.
(Philippians 3:12)
Have mercy on me, O God,
according to Your merciful love;
according to Your abundant mercy blot out my transgressions.
Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
and cleanse me from my sin!
For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is ever before me.
Create in me a clean heart, O God,
and put a new and right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from Your presence,
and take not Your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of Your salvation,
and uphold me with a willing spirit.
The sacrifice acceptable to God is a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart, O God,
You will not despise.
(Psalm 51:1-3,10-12,17)
according to Your merciful love;
according to Your abundant mercy blot out my transgressions.
Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
and cleanse me from my sin!
For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is ever before me.
Create in me a clean heart, O God,
and put a new and right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from Your presence,
and take not Your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of Your salvation,
and uphold me with a willing spirit.
The sacrifice acceptable to God is a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart, O God,
You will not despise.
(Psalm 51:1-3,10-12,17)
