Yes, change can happen. You can become a healed, whole, and loving partner.
God makes all things new (Isa. 43:19, Rev. 21:5). He desires the healing of marriages and families.
And that can begin with you.
God makes all things new (Isa. 43:19, Rev. 21:5). He desires the healing of marriages and families.
And that can begin with you.
There are some individuals who are ready to fully admit they've acted in unhealthy and abusive ways toward their spouse, and who desire authentic change and heart transformation.
But what does it feel like to admit such a thing not only to your spouse, children, and anyone else you may have hurt (including ex-spouses), but to yourself? How can you actually change? What steps do you need to take?
I write about this topic in my upcoming book, Don't Plant Your Seeds Among Thorns: The Catholic's Guide to Domestic Abuse, yet there's so much I can't include in a book, and so many resources available.
But what does it feel like to admit such a thing not only to your spouse, children, and anyone else you may have hurt (including ex-spouses), but to yourself? How can you actually change? What steps do you need to take?
I write about this topic in my upcoming book, Don't Plant Your Seeds Among Thorns: The Catholic's Guide to Domestic Abuse, yet there's so much I can't include in a book, and so many resources available.
First -- and critically -- find a solid and reputable Partner Abuse Intervention Program in your local area, and sign up immediately. Individual therapy is rarely of help to the abusive personality, since most therapists sadly aren't experienced in this area and are woefully under-educated in helping abusers change. A Partner Abuse Intervention Program (or Domestic Violence Intervention Program) is of utmost importance because the professionals specialize in the attitudes, beliefs, and issues surrounding DV, and being in a group setting helps keep attendees accountable. You can't do this alone. Reach out. The USCCB offers solid guidelines to men who abuse and are determined to change:
- Admit that the abuse is your problem, not your partner's, and have the manly courage to seek help. Begin to believe that you can change your behavior if you choose to do so.
- Be willing to reach out for help. Talk to someone you trust who can help you evaluate the situation. Contact Catholic Charities or other church or community agencies for the name of a program for abusers.
- Keep in mind that the Church is available to help you. Part of the mission Jesus entrusted to us is to offer healing when it is needed. Contact your parish.
- Find alternative ways to act when you become frustrated or angry. Talk to other men who have overcome abusive behavior. Find out what they did and how they did it.
St. Paul, Apostle of Change
There's no official patron saint for abusive men who seek authentic and lasting change, so I'm electing St. Paul the Apostle as our unofficial patron saint. How did Saul become St. Paul? He was an abuser, a persecutor, and even complicit in murder. He hated the followers of Christ and sought to purge them from the world. Yet after his Road to Damascus conversion experience, he used his God-given free-will to authentically remove the abusive patterns in his life so as to completely reform. He gave up his control, his power and his position, all for Christ. Change is possible.
Conversion of St. Paul, Caravaggio
Prayer to St. Paul:
St. Paul, I come seeking your intercession. I want to walk the Road to Damascus with you. On this journey, our Lord and Savior changed the entire course of your life. I ask Him to change the course of my life beginning today.
When you set out, you were an abusive man persecuting Christ’s beloved followers. He shook the scales from your eyes when He said, “Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting Me?” He revealed the truth that when I violate the dignity of others, especially those whom God has entrusted to my care, I violate Christ Himself.
In His mercy, may He knock me from my horse and remove the scales from my eyes. May He heal me; reveal His Truth to me; and may He shower me with His Divine Mercy.
Through the cleansing Blood of Christ and His most Merciful Heart, I pray for your help and guidance, St. Paul, as I travel my own Road to Damascus in order to become a whole, healed, and authentically loving man, husband, father, and child of God. In Jesus' name I pray.
Amen.
St. Paul, I come seeking your intercession. I want to walk the Road to Damascus with you. On this journey, our Lord and Savior changed the entire course of your life. I ask Him to change the course of my life beginning today.
When you set out, you were an abusive man persecuting Christ’s beloved followers. He shook the scales from your eyes when He said, “Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting Me?” He revealed the truth that when I violate the dignity of others, especially those whom God has entrusted to my care, I violate Christ Himself.
In His mercy, may He knock me from my horse and remove the scales from my eyes. May He heal me; reveal His Truth to me; and may He shower me with His Divine Mercy.
Through the cleansing Blood of Christ and His most Merciful Heart, I pray for your help and guidance, St. Paul, as I travel my own Road to Damascus in order to become a whole, healed, and authentically loving man, husband, father, and child of God. In Jesus' name I pray.
Amen.
Here are some resources to help you get started while you simultaneously reach out for professional help:
Dr. Christauria Welland, founder of Pax in Familia, a non-profit dedicated to "helping Catholic families troubled by relationship violence," is the author of the highly-recommended book How Can We Help to End Violence in Catholic Families? One section of her book includes information to help the abuser realize, understand, and admit his behaviors and attitudes. This enables him, through prayer and the guidance of the Holy Spirit, to seek help and self-understanding, which can then lead him to a place of authentic love and mutual self-giving within his marriage. You can download the book here; pages 103-117 directly address ways in which positive and marriage-affirming changes can be made, but reading the entire book is highly recommended in order to gain greater clarity and to understand the issue better.
Resources from Lundy Bancroft:
Guide for Men Who are Serious About Changing, Pt 1
Guide for Men Who are Serious About Changing, Pt. 2
Checklist for Assessing Change in Men Who Abuse Women
Guide for Men Who are Serious About Changing, Pt 1
Guide for Men Who are Serious About Changing, Pt. 2
Checklist for Assessing Change in Men Who Abuse Women
Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect;
but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me His own.
(Philippians 3:12)
but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me His own.
(Philippians 3:12)
Have mercy on me, O God,
according to Your merciful love;
according to Your abundant mercy blot out my transgressions.
Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
and cleanse me from my sin!
For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is ever before me.
Create in me a clean heart, O God,
and put a new and right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from Your presence,
and take not Your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of Your salvation,
and uphold me with a willing spirit.
The sacrifice acceptable to God is a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart, O God,
You will not despise.
(Psalm 51:1-3,10-12,17)
according to Your merciful love;
according to Your abundant mercy blot out my transgressions.
Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
and cleanse me from my sin!
For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is ever before me.
Create in me a clean heart, O God,
and put a new and right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from Your presence,
and take not Your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of Your salvation,
and uphold me with a willing spirit.
The sacrifice acceptable to God is a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart, O God,
You will not despise.
(Psalm 51:1-3,10-12,17)
