 (©Jenny duBay) When clients ask me how they can heal after experiencing prolonged relational trauma, the first thing I often ask is one of the simplest, yet also the most complex:
What sets your soul on fire with enthusiasm? What do you love to do? Often I’m met with blank stares, and I understand—prolonged relational trauma has a tendency of muffling personal needs. When the individual you trusted the most turns out to be not only untrustworthy but unsafe and even toxic, your world disappears. It’s not merely shattered—it feels as if it has completely vanished, because all you thought to be true has turned out to be false.
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 (@natcon773 / Unsplash) In my article, “When Love Isn’t Love: Bonded by Betrayal,” I promised to expand on the biochemical response to a trauma bond. In that article I stated:
A trauma bond—sometimes called a betrayal bond—is caused when gestures of love, caring, or good-will are intermittently alternated with periods of abuse, exploitation, or betrayal. Each incident of caring, followed by toxic treatment, serves to intensify the bond. This type of relationship feels like love or loyalty despite the fact that our partner is repeatedly hurting us with toxic, unfaithful, or otherwise destructive behaviors. What’s so crucial to understand is that the formation of this type of attachment isn’t merely emotional—it’s biochemical as well. The good news is that any chemical addiction can be freed, liberated and replaced by something merciful, blessed, true, and worthy.  (©Jenny duBay, click to enlarge) As my readers know, I hate to use the word “narcissistic” in my articles, because it’s such an over-used and misunderstood term. We can’t diagnose anyone as being an actual narcissist (which indicates they have Narcissistic Personality Disorder), even if we do recognize their toxic ego-focused traits that cause relational harm to others.
Sometimes, however, the word can’t be avoided, especially when we’re talking about previously-established abuse terms. That’s why, in this article, I’ll be discussing two traits common to those who abuse others: narcissistic injury and narcissistic rage. Most individuals who engage in abusive tactics in order to manipulate and control their relationships do so because of an unconscious learned behavioral pattern caused by a narcissistic injury developed during childhood. A narcissistic injury is created by an early wound to the ego—such as bullying, perceived or real emotional neglect, abandonment, childhood abuse or other trauma. These wounds create what the child feels is a threat to their sense of self and inherent self-worth. It causes them to feel vulnerable—a feeling that creates shame in childhood, and a fighting need for avoidance in adulthood. |
AuthorJenny duBay, Trauma-Informed Christian life coach specializing in healing from betrayal trauma and domestic abuse. 
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