Forgiveness can be a tricky topic, especially when people are chronically mistreating us without any signs of remorse, repentance or change. However—and as always—Jesus shows us the way. A good example what forgiveness is—and what it isn’t—can be found in the example of a someone who uses emotional manipulation as a means of control, yet who also professes to be a Christian. Such a person may claim: “Jesus said you have to forgive me, no matter how many times I mess up. I can do what I want, as long as I tell you I’m sorry afterward. And you have to forgive.” This type of person uses a deliberate misinterpretation of Sacred Scripture as an excuse to continue their toxic behaviors.
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It’s sad, and painful, yet it’s also true: a trauma bond is not authentic love. Authentic love is positive and transforming; a trauma bond is weakening, depleting, and confusing. Yet that’s often not how it feels, at least when in the love-bombing phase of the abuse cycle. Excitement, giddy exhilaration, clinging attachment to regain a sense of safety, “soul mate” obsessions—these are all the hallmarks of a trauma bond, and they all mimic feelings of love. A trauma bond is formed by the intermittent reinforcement inherent in abusive relationships. After being verbally battered, psychologically manipulated, emotionally attacked, or physically threatened, a victim of intimate partner violence is left feeling crumpled and broken. Often the silent treatment follows an abusive tirade, adding more pain and confusion to the swelter of trauma already swirling through the body, mind, and spirit of a victim. And then the wheel revolves once again. Oh, blessed relief! Kindness has returned to the relationship. He’s being loving again, perhaps bringing home flowers or other gifts, maybe even apologizing for his behavior. The relationship begins to feel “normal.”
In this article, I explain how a victim’s attachment style, formed in childhood, may play a prominent role in the development of the trauma bond. An abuser won’t exchange vulnerable intimacy for vulnerable intimacy. There’s no dance of mutual self-giving in an abusive relationship. He may share some things about himself, but when you really think about what he said, likely you’ll come to realize his words had no depth.
Even though, during the love-bombing stages of the relationship, he seemed to be sharing pieces of his soul, he wasn’t. He was sharing fluff, half-truths, and speaking words he knew you wanted to hear—all in an effort to draw you closer to him in an emotional bond. One of the most common questions I receive from readers consists of a mere three words, but three crucial words: Can an abuser change? This is an unanswerable question, since everyone’s relationship is different. All I can say for certain is that for most abuser types (excluding Type I, generally violent/antisocial), change is possible. After all, everyone has been given the gift of free will.
The true question is: How will they use their free will? Change isn’t common—but it can happen. Trauma rips a person wide open and uncovers past wounds they didn’t even realize they had, while at the same time layering new wounds onto an already-wearied soul. When the trauma presents itself in the form of repeated relational abuse and marital betrayal, a victim’s entire universe continues to spiral madly. Nothing can stop this head-long dive unless the abuse is finally eliminated, to be replaced with healing love.
I often turn to Sacred Scripture for comfort and inspiration as I continue to traverse my own healing journey. When I recently opened my Bible at random, I came upon these words: So many of my Catholic readers are struggling with the possible end of their relationship and wondering about divorce and annulment. Because I've received so many requests about divorce vs. annulment, I thought I’d let an expert answer some of your questions. I’m honoured that Msgr. Charles Pope has given me permission to re-print his article, “What is an Annulment and How Does it Differ From Divorce?”
Love is often misunderstood -- and over-used -- in today's world. It's not unusual for people to declare that they love chocolate, or a sunny day after a long winter of storms and snow. But what does love mean when it comes to another person, and how can we love authentically? Without engaging in a discussion on the various types philosophical of love -- eros (romantic), phileo (friendship), and agapé (spiritual, sacrificial) — I wish to focus in this post on our most intimate relationships in regards to the necessity of detached love. What does “detached love” mean? Aren’t we supposed to be emotionally bonded to our loved ones?
Marriage--as God intended--is about mutual self-giving. It's a waltz between partners, the balancing of strengths and opposites, weaknesses and complementariness. Sure, partners might step on each other's toes during the decades of this loving dance, yet all issues are resolved with authentic apology and open communication. At least this is how marriage should be. Yet when self-giving is one-sided—as it is in all abusive relationships—a corruption of God’s intentions takes place. This is a form of evil, a desecration of the gift of self. How can we heal from this trauma? How can we move forward?
![]() I feel so blessed when my readers contact me with questions, concerns and comments.
However, since I now receive so many messages, I’ve decided to begin featuring Q&A as a regular feature of my articles. If you have any topics you’d like addressed, please let me know. And don’t worry—I won’t ever use your real name or identifying information. I’m thrilled to have Fr. Henry Ogbuji as a guest blogger speaking about domestic violence from a ministerial perspective. Fr. Henry is one of the Church’s brave priests who isn’t shy about speaking out against domestic violence, and is the author of From Where Shall Come Our Help: The Lament of Abused Persons. A priest from Nigeria, Fr. Henry writes about his own personal experience, which led to being a primary domestic violence advocate within the Church. He now guides clergy, lay ministers, and others to become aware of domestic abuse and how the Catholic Church can help victims protect themselves, and heal.
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AuthorJenny duBay, Trauma-Informed Christian life coach specializing in healing from betrayal trauma and domestic abuse. |